By now you’ve probably read or been the recipient of a slew of well wishes and auld lang syne themed everythings. This person wants to lose 5 pounds, travel the world, reconnect with a lost friend, or quit smoking. People hoping for the best year ever, celebrating the end of the best year ever, or waiting for the clock to strike midnight to erase it all and start again with a full year ahead to fill with anything better than the last one had to offer.
Nothing distinguishes this day from the rest other than someone chose it to be different, and therefore it is. It’s a fantastic excuse and just the impetus some folks need to initiate a change, to break out of that cycle and approach the next day with a little more ownership. Maybe you’re going out to celebrate it in style. Maybe it’s a quiet night at home by your choosing (or not). But either way, it’s a time to put the past year to rest and look forward to time’s never ending and lately, all too rapid, march into the future.
You can’t possibly hold a year in your mind all at once. It’s too much to handle. But what you do get to hold onto are moments in time. Moments that have meaning for you that don’t mean the same thing to anyone else. Or moments that are shared with others and are special to each person who shared that moment in a different way. Because they are YOUR moments, seen, heard, or felt only by you, in the way that is unique to you. It’s impossible to define what makes a particular moment more meaningful than another, and I assume it’s a factor, or factors of circumstance and a whole lot of “what ifs” happening at the same time to create this snapshot of human feeling and emotion that imprints a “moment” into your brain, sometimes forever. And that’s nothing that the end of a year can erase at the stroke of a clock. Nor should it. You don’t really live a year, I think, but rather, you live in these moments.
So my wish for 2013 is simple. I want more “moments”. More bits and pieces of time that I can look back on and hold in my heart and add up at the end of the year so I can look back and say “Wow, now that was a great year”. These moments are like my heart and mind’s photo album-and not one I stick on the shelf and never look at again. I can bring them out when I’m sad, or lonely, or just not feeling the best about myself at any point in time.
So tonight I am going to raise my glass of Prosecco to those moments that have passed in 2012-because I have some amazing ones to remember-and those moments yet to come in 2013, and know that I don’t have to look at a full year as being empty and needing to be filled with important and noteworthy accomplishments. I can look forward to those little snippets of time where happiness isn’t a goal I’ve set out to meet, but rather, an amazing convergence of “what ifs” that happen when I’m ready and willing to take notice.
So here’s to 2013-May it bring to you some of the best moments of your life.
Did you ever have one of those days where everyone is so obviously, not discreetly at all, looking at you no matter where you go? And I’m not talking about the “Yeah, I look hot today, no wonder why everyone can’t take their eyes off of me” kind of staring? Nope, I’m talking about the “Seriously, what are you looking at?” kind of staring.
It happens every now and then, for no particular reason, to the point where the first chance I get I have to get myself in front of a mirror to try to figure out what they see. My make-up looks normal, my hair-not bad, my outfit, well, maybe I’m wearing a few too many layers that may or may not have gone 100% perfectly together, but I never know what the “weather” in the office is going to be like. And speaking of weather, the weatherman said it was going to be close to 60 today but I wasn’t buying it for a minute, not after he teased me with it last week, so I needed that extra sweater, you know?
So, why were people looking at me? And don’t try to tell me they weren’t, because I flat out made eye contact with a number of people today who were looking at me before I looked up. So there.
Because you know much I love a good “Google”, Dictionary.com describes paranoia as:
1. Psychiatry. a mental disorder characterized by systematized delusions and the projection of personal conflicts, which are ascribed to the supposed hostility of others, sometimes progressing to disturbances of consciousness and aggressive acts believed to be performed in self-defense or as a mission.
baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.
Ummmmmm…so lets go with #2. Although I suppose it could be some sort of a projection of my personal conflicts although thank goodness I’m generally as “non” aggressive as it gets and really have no desire to go on any sort of paranoia cleansing mission.
But really, what gives? Low self-esteem day? (refer to my prior blog on how to be awesome to solve for that). Was it something in the fog today? Or maybe its just that I actually don’t really look up at all when I walk around and today my timing just happened to be spot on? Maybe I had one too many cookies yesterday, or am still shaking of the vestiges of the latest round of daycare supplied germs that hit me over the weekend. But something was off.
I just really, really hope it actually wasn’t me. I mean, I couldn’t find anything wrong with me. And I checked. Twice. Or possibly three times. But no more than that. Really, just the three times and the one time I accidentally caught my reflection in the store window. So it can’t be me, right? Wait, why are you looking at me like that?? Ummmm. I just have to go check on something really quick. I’ll be right back.
Just so you know, I am completely insane. Let me explain.
Let’s play some “good news, bad news” Its like “good cop, bad cop” but without cops. There is definitely some confessing though. Ready? I’ll start:
Good news: my workout clothes fit just fine even after I haven’t thrown them on in oh, a month or so (ok, its been almost two). Bad news: they do not look like they did last time I had them on. My recent obsession with Dunkin Donuts’ egg and cheese on a croissant may have something to do with that. And consider yourself warned that the first person who tells me the actual fat and calorie count in my most awesome of breakfasts will get a suitable punishment. I will decide what it is as is appropriate given how well I know you, and my mood at the time. Knowing the calorie content of a food always increases the calories by at least 30%. You heard it here first.
Good news: I started up the Insanity workout program again today. Bad news: I started up the Insanity workout program again today. Let’s just call it a “modified” program because I’ve decided not to strictly follow the diet, since it doesn’t list “Naughty Nurse” as one of the “permissible” foods. Don’t get too excited folks, its a beer. A very delicious local brew, in fact. And, I just don’t have the energy/time currently to exercise like crazy for 45 minutes to an hour a day 6 days a week. My 2 year old and other obligations like buying food and going to work sort of get in the way. I’m insane, not crazy, remember? So, you get my drift. Any form of exercise will be so much better than what I’m doing now, which mainly consists of..um…does carting around a 30 pound kid count as exercise? Or how about walking around the grocery store for hours because you’re so tired you can’t remember what you needed? I’ll put that down as maybe. But surely walking up the stairs 3 times a night to bring your son more water so he can procrastinate actually sleeping counts. Like I just had to do right now. The bonus was the conversation we just had about Dada making pumpkin pie (Dada does not cook. At all. Like barely even boiling water capable.) And that there are stars and a moon on my robe. And any other little thing he can think of to talk about. But I digress.
So my idea was to get in great shape for snowboarding season. And you have to start somewhere. Last time I did Insanity, I had amazing results. Like I wanted to write and tell the creators amazing. But that was in May. This time around, my cat was so bored, or perhaps horrified watching me, that he fell asleep after 3 minutes. I forgot how hard it was to begin. So imagine a video of insanely fit people jumping around and doing exercises that look easy. And Shaun T. is telling you to “dig deeper” and “go faster” and “you can do it”. So the cycle of my workout is kind of like this in my head:
:before workout: “Allright! Can’t wait to get started. Let me get my sneakers tied really tight. Hmm. Not tight enough, let me do that again. Allright! They feel great. Now let me tie my hair back. And get a headband. Ok good. Now let me get a glass of water. Awesome! This is going to be so great! Yeah! Now how do I put this DVD in this tv. Ok, Yeah! I got it! AHHH. Too loud, where’s the remote??? Ok, ok, there we go. YEAH! I’m awesome! Let’s go!
:warmup begins: “Whew. I’m starting to sweat. YEAH. This is great, I’m going to be in such good shape when I’m done with this. Wait, what are they doing? Let me stop and check where they are putting their feet, because something doesn’t feel right. Ok, now I get it. Oh, crap, they’re on to something else. Ok, ok, I got it. AHHHH can’t keep up, Ok, I’ll just do what I can. Yep, there I go, WOO HOO!
:2 minutes into warmup: “Um, is it over yet? Oh man, 37 minutes to go. Ugh. I’m so out of shape, but hey, I can do this!! YEAH!
:stretch: “Ok, that wasn’t so bad. I mean, I did what I could and all, so Yeah for me!
:Level 1 Drills: “I’m shooting the basketball! I’m shooting the basketball” I’m still shooting the basketball! Push-ups! Um. I can’t do those. Modified push-ups! YEAH! Wait, 4 in a row, then some running thing, then up and down and Wait! Wait! WAIT SHAUN T.! You’re going to fast!! Ok, I’ll just do it as fast as I can. Oh crap, they’re done.I’ll get it next time for sure.”
:water break: “Whew, I don’t remember it being that hard before. It must have been though. I guess. Ouch, something hurts. Oh, yeah, it’s called breathing. It hurts. Bad. 8 seconds left. Ok, HERE WE GO”
:Level 1 drills again: “I’m shooting the basketball! Not as high or as fast this time. But I’m doing it! And again! And….again…C’mon, there is no ball, I look silly. And I want to stop. But I won’t! I’m still shooting it! Push-ups. Not on your life. But I’ll get down on the floor and do something. It looks kinda like meditation, but I’m breathing so hard it feels like exercise. ALLRIGHT! Water break!!
:push to the end: “Jabs and uppercuts and “the attack” Yeah! work it, finish strong! I’m coming for you Shaun T. That’s right, I’m going to jab you in the stomach and uppercut you right to the jaw for making me do this. I don’t look like you guys!! What the hell was I thinking? Take that and that and THAT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU’D BETTER RUN AND HIDE, I’M COMING FOR YOU! THAT’s RIGHT, BE SCARED…Oh, its done. Oh, thank God.”
:cooldown: “Are my legs supposed to shake like that? And my hands? How can my shoulders feel like they’ve been judo-chopped? And what is that muscle that hurts? Is there supposed to be a muscle there???
:shower: “That water feels so awesome, let me wash my hair. Wait, I can’t lift my arms. Ouch, OUCH. Stupid shampoo, why are you all the way up there. ARGH. Oh, what did I knock over. I don’t care, I can’t bend down to get it.”
:dinner: ” Ok, I need protein. Too bad any thought of protein makes me want to gag. Ew. Urgh. PB& Banana, that’s got protein, right?
So excuse me while I don’t go back and proofread this right now as I need to go curl up into a little ball of pain in the corner and cry. Or more accurately I’m going to crawl over to the corner and cry because I’m so sore I can’t curl up into a little ball.
Can’t WAIT to do this again on Wednesday! It’s going to be awesome! 🙂