cupcakes and zombies

because cupcakes are yummy and people aren't. unless you're a zombie.

Archive of ‘Random Thoughts’ category

How to be awesome.

Yep. That’s right, I’m going to tell you how to be awesome. Bet you didn’t know this blog was educational as well as entertaining. But don’t tell anyone else because we can’t have too many awesome people walking around.  Ok, ok, ok.  You can tell one or two people if you really want to, but that’s it!

Step 1: Google  (or use any other search engine of choice) “How to be awesome”. I’m serious. There’s lots of other advice out there and some sites even give you easy to follow steps. Kind of like this. And yes, I was curious and Googled this.

Step 2: Ignore what you just Googled, because most of it is probably absolutely, 100% ridiculous. “Be funny” “Be popular” Be nice” “Be interesting”. DOH! (Insert facepalm here) So THAT’S what I’ve been doing wrong?!?!?

Now, stop following the above steps and do this instead. Accept that you can’t be all awesome to everyone, all the time. It would just be too exhausting. You will have your moments of un-awesomeness.  And some people might never think you’re awesome. And it’s totally ok. And trying to be awesome doesn’t work. There’s nothing worse than “fake” awesome. Think of the opposite of awesome and then throw Lady GaGa’s meat dress on it after its been sitting in the sun for a week and that’s how bad I think “fake” awesome is.

But wait-it’s really not all bad news. Get this, being awesome is easy. Be yourself. Sounds too simple, right? But it makes so much sense. Someone, and maybe even lots of someones, are going to think you’re awesome for being you. And I’m pretty sure that’s the sort of people you’d actually want to think  you’re awesome. Right?

I know I do.

Granted, what prompted this “blog of awesomeness” is the fact that I actually did not think I felt awesome today. Nope. Not one bit. I felt pretty damn un-awesome, actually. And for absolutely no reason.  I just didn’t sleep well and that makes everything, including me, less awesome. But it happens sometimes, and that’s ok. It will make being awesome tomorrow that much better.


Handwashing competitions…you know you’ve been there.

Ok, so let me get situated here. First of all, this is officially my first blog post. I know, I know, there’s some other posts already here but technically they were pulled from my Facebook page, when I wasn’t “officially” blogging. So bear with me as I figure this thing out. Seems easy enough.

Alright, I’m ready to get started now. So let me set the scene for you. It’s sometime in the middle of the afternoon and I’ve had about 5 eco-friendly reusable plastic cups full of H2O since 8:00 a.m. Plus some coffee. And a tall soy chai (mmmmmmm Starbucks). So I’ve been back and forth to the ladies room about 10 times already today and I’m off for another trip. So on my round-trip back to my desk I stop for the 10th time to wash my hands. It so happens that there is another woman from the other side of the floor getting ready to do the same.

All of a sudden, I’ve been entered into a head-to-head handwashing competition. You know how it starts- you want to put on a good show that you do indeed wash your hands well and thoroughly each trip to the bathroom. And so does she.

So you use some extra soap, and really lather your hands.

She raises the bar by adjusting the temperature just a little warmer.

So you really make sure to soap each finger.

She pulls out the wildcard and rinses, then soaps again.

So you aggressively rub the soap into your hands so it makes soapy noises. Loud soapy noises that she can hear over the sounds of two faucets and her own vigorous hand scrubbing.

And she takes her rings off to really get her hands clean.

So you rinse, and rinse, and rinse, and then inspect your hands to make sure they are clean.

Then you dry them really, really well, with like 5 paper towels.

She turns the water off after you’ve dried your hands and smugly dries hers. Or you assume smugly because the most important rule is that you never EVER make eye contact during the competition.

You fix a stray strand of hair and wipe off a teensy bit of eyeliner with a finger while she finishes drying her hands and pats her hair into place as well. And as she conscientiously uses her paper towel to open the door to leave you soap your hands once more and turn the water on full blast, since you touched your face and all.

SWEET VICTORY IS MINE! MWAHAHAHA. I can imagine her defeat as she can’t very well turn around and start washing again.

Yeah, so, you know you’ve been there. Admit it. And the moral of this story is, don’t challenge me to a handwashing competition. Because I’ve been known to play dirty. See what I did there?

I think I’m going to like blogging. Yep…I think I’m going to like it a lot.

Dear “Glee”

Dear “Glee”: I am done with you and your absolutely ridiculous plot lines and even worse overdramatic theater emo-pop. Were you ever actually good or was I just enamored by the fact that a glee club was being featured as a TV show? I mean, who can forget Kurt’s rendition of “Single Ladies”? Pure entertainment! And yet now, where do I begin? Oh, that’s right, I stopped caring 5 minutes ago. And FYI, having commercials every 3 seconds to cover up the fact that you have no plot does not work. In fact, it irritated me so much I turned it off. That’s right, I, who sat, tormented and tortured through all of “Waterworld” hoping at some point it would either make sense, or perhaps get better, could not sit through the full hour of your show. Oh, wait, make that 23 minutes since the rest was all commercials. And take away 7 minutes for the amount of time the tortured looks the characters gave each other took. Then 3 minutes for the sappy, “I’m alone, but singing to you exactly at the same time and in harmony even though we’re miles away” scenes. And take away 2 minutes for the obligatory “I’m walking down the hall singing but no one sees or hears me” scenes. So where are we? 11 minutes? Yeah, that’s probably just about what I missed turning it off halfway through. 11 minutes of my life that I am now able to enjoy instead. Goodbye Glee, we are never ever ever getting back together. Like, ever.

Birthday Thoughts

As my birthday weekend comes to an end and its back to work tomorrow, I’d like to share 10 observations I’ve gathered over the weekend.

1. It is possible to have a birthday without a single person singing you the Happy Birthday song and totally not miss it at all. Although I kind of miss not having any candles to blow out.

2. Cookie recipes do not account for the amount of cookie dough that you eat before it is baked. I think they should subtract a few from the final count when they tell you how many a recipe makes.

3. Whole Foods is awesome and I completely made a fool of myself running around pointing at things and picking food up to admire it. Oh, and I don’t care.

4. People should get outside more often. I think they would be happier.

5. Winter is coming.

6. Time goes by too quickly, except when I’m waiting for something.

7. People should be more kind to each other than they often are.

8. Cats can see into your soul. Or maybe not, but when they stare, its creepy.

9. Do not sit in a room with a cat who is staring when you are home alone. Its extra creepy.

10. Gummy vitamins rock.

“deep thoughts” *ick cant believe Im posting “deep thoughts”

So folks who get me understand I wouldn’t typically go for the “deep thoughts” type of quotes and posts that don’t contain a fairly considerable amount of snark, sarcasm and of course, humor. Yes, I’m the person in the greeting card aisle at Target who needs to read ALL of the cards to find the one that portrays a particular sentiment without being too sappy or out of the realm of something I would say to you on any given day. So wait your turn, if I’m paying $4 for a card, I’m getting the one that says truly, it came from me, and I totally could have written it if I dedicated the time it took me to find the perfect card someone else wrote to actually writing something myself. See? Sarcasm. Told you.

So, likewise I generally come across the sea of quotes and sayings people post on Facebook and scroll on by with an eye roll or two. (SORRY!) Every now and then though, one catches me at the right moment, or maybe my sarcasm meter is a little on the low side and my guard is down. It doesn’t pass my notice that with all the “My summer was so much more awesome than yours” and “hey look at this cute thing my kid just did” pictures (I am SOOOO guilty of this, by the way, judgment free zone here, k?) and so and so is playing this fictional game and wants you to give them a fictional something or other to win this fictional war, there are some people who truly are reaching out for support, or to share, or are just…searching for something. So I thought I would swallow my snark for a second and post a quote that I came across a little while ago that happened to hit me at just such a moment. So hopefully this reaches somebody who needs it. And if not, hey, at least its not another picture of my kid, right??“Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.”

For my wife

This is my beautiful wife Heather and our rambunctious son Jackson. I created this blog for her, she is a wonderful writer and recently has been feeling the itch. Im not sure why, maybe it is the echinacea and vitamins. Maybe its watching Jackson grow up so quickly and doing so many funny little things that deserve to be told. It could be all of the new books that she has been reading that are inspiring her. I just think she is trying to get time away from me 😉   But what ever it is, I am lucky to read what I can not decipher from her head. I hope you enjoy the posts as much as I do. I love you Heather, I hope you like your blog.