Did you ever have one of those days where everyone is so obviously, not discreetly at all, looking at you no matter where you go? And I’m not talking about the “Yeah, I look hot today, no wonder why everyone can’t take their eyes off of me” kind of staring? Nope, I’m talking about the “Seriously, what are you looking at?” kind of staring.
It happens every now and then, for no particular reason, to the point where the first chance I get I have to get myself in front of a mirror to try to figure out what they see. My make-up looks normal, my hair-not bad, my outfit, well, maybe I’m wearing a few too many layers that may or may not have gone 100% perfectly together, but I never know what the “weather” in the office is going to be like. And speaking of weather, the weatherman said it was going to be close to 60 today but I wasn’t buying it for a minute, not after he teased me with it last week, so I needed that extra sweater, you know?
So, why were people looking at me? And don’t try to tell me they weren’t, because I flat out made eye contact with a number of people today who were looking at me before I looked up. So there.
Because you know much I love a good “Google”, Dictionary.com describes paranoia as:
1. Psychiatry. a mental disorder characterized by systematized delusions and the projection of personal conflicts, which are ascribed to the supposed hostility of others, sometimes progressing to disturbances of consciousness and aggressive acts believed to be performed in self-defense or as a mission.
baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.
Ummmmmm…so lets go with #2. Although I suppose it could be some sort of a projection of my personal conflicts although thank goodness I’m generally as “non” aggressive as it gets and really have no desire to go on any sort of paranoia cleansing mission.
But really, what gives? Low self-esteem day? (refer to my prior blog on how to be awesome to solve for that). Was it something in the fog today? Or maybe its just that I actually don’t really look up at all when I walk around and today my timing just happened to be spot on? Maybe I had one too many cookies yesterday, or am still shaking of the vestiges of the latest round of daycare supplied germs that hit me over the weekend. But something was off.
I just really, really hope it actually wasn’t me. I mean, I couldn’t find anything wrong with me. And I checked. Twice. Or possibly three times. But no more than that. Really, just the three times and the one time I accidentally caught my reflection in the store window. So it can’t be me, right? Wait, why are you looking at me like that?? Ummmm. I just have to go check on something really quick. I’ll be right back.
Just so you know, I am completely insane. Let me explain.
Let’s play some “good news, bad news” Its like “good cop, bad cop” but without cops. There is definitely some confessing though. Ready? I’ll start:
Good news: my workout clothes fit just fine even after I haven’t thrown them on in oh, a month or so (ok, its been almost two). Bad news: they do not look like they did last time I had them on. My recent obsession with Dunkin Donuts’ egg and cheese on a croissant may have something to do with that. And consider yourself warned that the first person who tells me the actual fat and calorie count in my most awesome of breakfasts will get a suitable punishment. I will decide what it is as is appropriate given how well I know you, and my mood at the time. Knowing the calorie content of a food always increases the calories by at least 30%. You heard it here first.
Good news: I started up the Insanity workout program again today. Bad news: I started up the Insanity workout program again today. Let’s just call it a “modified” program because I’ve decided not to strictly follow the diet, since it doesn’t list “Naughty Nurse” as one of the “permissible” foods. Don’t get too excited folks, its a beer. A very delicious local brew, in fact. And, I just don’t have the energy/time currently to exercise like crazy for 45 minutes to an hour a day 6 days a week. My 2 year old and other obligations like buying food and going to work sort of get in the way. I’m insane, not crazy, remember? So, you get my drift. Any form of exercise will be so much better than what I’m doing now, which mainly consists of..um…does carting around a 30 pound kid count as exercise? Or how about walking around the grocery store for hours because you’re so tired you can’t remember what you needed? I’ll put that down as maybe. But surely walking up the stairs 3 times a night to bring your son more water so he can procrastinate actually sleeping counts. Like I just had to do right now. The bonus was the conversation we just had about Dada making pumpkin pie (Dada does not cook. At all. Like barely even boiling water capable.) And that there are stars and a moon on my robe. And any other little thing he can think of to talk about. But I digress.
So my idea was to get in great shape for snowboarding season. And you have to start somewhere. Last time I did Insanity, I had amazing results. Like I wanted to write and tell the creators amazing. But that was in May. This time around, my cat was so bored, or perhaps horrified watching me, that he fell asleep after 3 minutes. I forgot how hard it was to begin. So imagine a video of insanely fit people jumping around and doing exercises that look easy. And Shaun T. is telling you to “dig deeper” and “go faster” and “you can do it”. So the cycle of my workout is kind of like this in my head:
:before workout: “Allright! Can’t wait to get started. Let me get my sneakers tied really tight. Hmm. Not tight enough, let me do that again. Allright! They feel great. Now let me tie my hair back. And get a headband. Ok good. Now let me get a glass of water. Awesome! This is going to be so great! Yeah! Now how do I put this DVD in this tv. Ok, Yeah! I got it! AHHH. Too loud, where’s the remote??? Ok, ok, there we go. YEAH! I’m awesome! Let’s go!
:warmup begins: “Whew. I’m starting to sweat. YEAH. This is great, I’m going to be in such good shape when I’m done with this. Wait, what are they doing? Let me stop and check where they are putting their feet, because something doesn’t feel right. Ok, now I get it. Oh, crap, they’re on to something else. Ok, ok, I got it. AHHHH can’t keep up, Ok, I’ll just do what I can. Yep, there I go, WOO HOO!
:2 minutes into warmup: “Um, is it over yet? Oh man, 37 minutes to go. Ugh. I’m so out of shape, but hey, I can do this!! YEAH!
:stretch: “Ok, that wasn’t so bad. I mean, I did what I could and all, so Yeah for me!
:Level 1 Drills: “I’m shooting the basketball! I’m shooting the basketball” I’m still shooting the basketball! Push-ups! Um. I can’t do those. Modified push-ups! YEAH! Wait, 4 in a row, then some running thing, then up and down and Wait! Wait! WAIT SHAUN T.! You’re going to fast!! Ok, I’ll just do it as fast as I can. Oh crap, they’re done.I’ll get it next time for sure.”
:water break: “Whew, I don’t remember it being that hard before. It must have been though. I guess. Ouch, something hurts. Oh, yeah, it’s called breathing. It hurts. Bad. 8 seconds left. Ok, HERE WE GO”
:Level 1 drills again: “I’m shooting the basketball! Not as high or as fast this time. But I’m doing it! And again! And….again…C’mon, there is no ball, I look silly. And I want to stop. But I won’t! I’m still shooting it! Push-ups. Not on your life. But I’ll get down on the floor and do something. It looks kinda like meditation, but I’m breathing so hard it feels like exercise. ALLRIGHT! Water break!!
:push to the end: “Jabs and uppercuts and “the attack” Yeah! work it, finish strong! I’m coming for you Shaun T. That’s right, I’m going to jab you in the stomach and uppercut you right to the jaw for making me do this. I don’t look like you guys!! What the hell was I thinking? Take that and that and THAT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU’D BETTER RUN AND HIDE, I’M COMING FOR YOU! THAT’s RIGHT, BE SCARED…Oh, its done. Oh, thank God.”
:cooldown: “Are my legs supposed to shake like that? And my hands? How can my shoulders feel like they’ve been judo-chopped? And what is that muscle that hurts? Is there supposed to be a muscle there???
:shower: “That water feels so awesome, let me wash my hair. Wait, I can’t lift my arms. Ouch, OUCH. Stupid shampoo, why are you all the way up there. ARGH. Oh, what did I knock over. I don’t care, I can’t bend down to get it.”
:dinner: ” Ok, I need protein. Too bad any thought of protein makes me want to gag. Ew. Urgh. PB& Banana, that’s got protein, right?
So excuse me while I don’t go back and proofread this right now as I need to go curl up into a little ball of pain in the corner and cry. Or more accurately I’m going to crawl over to the corner and cry because I’m so sore I can’t curl up into a little ball.
Can’t WAIT to do this again on Wednesday! It’s going to be awesome! 🙂
I hate Twinkies.
I don’t like how they feel, kind of soft and squishy, but springy. They smell strange. Not like any cake I ever baked. When you first rip open the plastic, you get an overpowering whiff of…sweet. And then its gone. The filling could almost be tasty. Maybe. But the aftertaste is bitter, like you’ve just chewed a bunch of aspirin, (All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.) And the feel is kind of oily, like it coats your mouth and then hangs around. So it’s really not tasty at all. And what’s with the shape? Like a strange tail-less and head-less whale.
So it wouldn’t really mean anything to me if they disappeared. I’m not sure what all the fuss is about, really. I mean people are going a little nuts over this whole thing. They’re just chemically altered over-processed food products, right? I mean, it’s an almost completely synthetic, 39 ingredient, artificially flavored and derived icon of golden squishiness. So is it the principal that they are supposed to last forever and now they might vanish before we get the chance to test the “Twinkies will outlast the nuclear war” theory? Because I’m not even sure I’d want to test that theory. Yeah, I just decided, I definitely don’t.
But, If I’m looking for the moral of the story here, I suppose it would be that life is too short, so don’t let opportunities pass you by and go get those “Twinkies” while they’re still around to be gotten. Because apparently, nothing is guaranteed.
Not even Twinkies.
Ok. Losing all of your frozen and refrigerated foods to a hurricane makes you do crazy things. Like think its a great idea to go to your local BJs by yourself on a Sunday morning. A few weeks before Thanksgiving. After lots of other folks in the area probably lost their food too. Here are some things I observed, as well as some tips I have gathered, at my expense, for you to review before your next trip.
1) Make sure to carefully peruse the coupon booklet you get in the mail to judiciously select the coupons for ONLY the things you need. Ignore unnecessary coupons such as those for the big tub of biscotti. Unless its a really good deal and you remember what happened the one and only time you tried to make biscotti and some spatula throwing ensued. So if that’s the case, cut those coupons out, but put them in a separate pocket in your purse, or coat and don’t look at them again.
2) That reminds me, make sure you bring your biggest purse. This will ensure you maximize the interior space for your coupons to get lost in.
3) Make sure you grab a cart with a sticky wheel. Its not hard, because they all seem to have some sort of wheel defect. This will make sure you not only get exercise walking, but you will struggle pushing the cart and work out your arms as well.
4) Park at the bottom of a hill in the parking lot.
5) When you walk into the store, make sure you stop and grab the coupons they have up front. There might be something you didn’t know you needed there.
6) Get excited when you see the coupon for what I call the “Turkey Scavenger Hunt”. I’d almost forgotten about this! You get a flyer with a coupon for a free frozen turkey, 9-14 pounds, if you buy 4 of the items pictured on the flyer. The scavenger hunt begins as you to hunt through the store to find obscure items like frozen bread loaves. Which, after 10 minutes of searching, you realize your store doesn’t carry. And you can’t ask anyone for help. That’s cheating. The equally elusive frozen biscuits doesn’t seem to exist in my store either. But the big block of cheddar you can get instead will do wonders for your mac n’cheese.
7) If you spend the extra time to do the turkey scavenger hunt, don’t be foiled by the fact that they label all of their frozen turkeys $13, and don’t list the weight on any of them. Its a mind game. Only the weak will pick the first turkey they see and run. The savvy consumer will stand there for 10 minutes or so eyeing the size of the turkeys, and lifting them in turn to compare. And then lifting some more, making sure you use the same arm to lift each, since you might be used to carrying your 30 pound son in one arm and not the other and therefore not feel the weight difference. Finally, a careful selection is made. Ignore the folks giving you funny looks as they grab their turkeys, hey, you deserve the best and biggest of the bunch for your effort. Which reminds me, I need to weigh that thing.
8) Make sure you have a good system for your coupons. When you get something pictured on a coupon into your cart, put that coupon in a specific pocket. Then 15 minutes in, forget which pocket was which and mix them up. It will give you something to do as you’re waiting in the long line at checkout.
9) Make sure you hungry so you can take advantage of the free samples. Realize that they don’t do many samples early in the morning. But enjoy the biscotti sample they do have. Well played sample lady, well played. Since you have a coupon, purchasing a tub of biscotti is totally justified. And besides, they’re gingerbread flavor. What?!?! Who would have thought of that?? You’ll never find those again.
10) Be prepared for your hoarding tendencies to be multiplied. By like 1,000. Bet you didn’t think you needed 25 pounds of sugar until you saw it. But its such a good deal. News Flash-you don’t really need it. I bake a lot and my 25 pound bag is still half full in my pantry. I bought it last year. Really. You don’t need it. PUT IT BACK! But go for the 3 pounds of ground turkey so you can make a batch of turkey burgers at once and freeze them to eat at your leisure. Even though the meat looks kind of grey, the date is good, it must just be your mind playing tricks on you. And it smells kinda funny when you get it home but you saw the meat guy putting it out in the case. And it smells worse when cooked but make sure you taste it. SPIT IT OUT SPIT IT OUT ITS NO GOOD!!! Call to complain about the $8 you spent and explain you can’t return the meat because you cooked it and threw them out in a small fit of rage. Plan to drive 20 minutes to the store to get your $8 back.
11) After you’ve found several things you didn’t know you needed in bulk like Scrubbing Bubbles to last you the next 5 years (COUPON!), potatoes (to replace the big bag that rotted on your counter with a bigger one) and 3 kinds of cheese, carefully maneuver your way to the check out to wait in line.
12) Sort your coupons while you wait. Realize you lost some and search through the pockets in your purse. And in your coat. Check your pants even though you never put anything in your pants pocket. Look through your purse again. Check your coupon pile and *Poof* they are magically, actually right where they are supposed to be.
13) After your coupons are secure, leave your cart in line (since you aren’t moving anyway) and go to grab some boxes. Pick through a dozen before you confirm they are all broken or just not the right size. Grab 2 that may, or may not work.
14) Get back to your cart and look for your membership card. Pull it out and realize it’s not yours, its your significant other’s. Hope it flies anyway since you just spent an hour and a half in the store (Damn You Turkey Scavenger Hunt!)
15) When the card is swiped and the cashier tells you your membership is expired do you want to renew it? Say “No, I’ll just go ahead and put all this stuff back where I found it”. Ok, don’t really say that. Pay the $50 and smile while thinking unhappy thoughts.
16) Hold back tears when the total starts climbing up over $300. Be glad there weren’t more free samples.
17) Admire the neatly packed boxes which worked after all.
18) Get past the bouncer at the door who punches a hole in your receipt. I have no idea what the hole is for. I guess its so you don’t waste time going back into the store and spending another hour and a half packing it full of the same stuff and trying to sneak out?
19) Wheel the very heavy cart with the screwy wheel through the lot and to the top of the hill. Start walking down the hill to your car. Walk a little faster. And faster. Um. The cart is really heavy. You’ re picking up speed now. Go! Go! Go! Go! STOP! Wait, I said Stop! Uh oh!! I can’t stop!
Stop just before you roll out into the lot.
20) Get to your car and start playing Food Tetris-you know, where you try to cram over $300 worth of groceries into a car that already has stuff in it? Because you forgot to take all the stuff out before you went to the store.
21) Masterfully fit in the loose stuff and tuck the first box neatly in. Grab the big box wonderfully packed by the cashier. Nothing happens. So grab it again and pull harder. It won’t move. Hmm. Brace your legs against the side of the cart and pull really really really really really really hard. It lifts about 6 inches. Which is not enough to get it out of the cart. Curse your faulty logic as you realize that 4 gallons of milk, a big bag of fish sticks, 3 blocks of cheese, some yogurt, bananas and jelly (ok, 4 jars of jelly) are too heavy for you to lift. Unpack it and throw the box in the car. Repack it. Sort of. What now no longer fits gets thrown in. Somewhere.
22) When you get home, ask someone else to unpack the car.
So, there you go. I hope this makes your next warehouse shopping experience just a tiny little bit easier.
Yep. its about that time. Particularly since I have not much else to do except sit in the dark with my cats. So I’m back at my not so local Panera eating a cookie I’m not even hungry for just so I can feel ok about using their free wi-fi. Edit: this cookie rocks.
You may, or may not know, that we just had a hurricane over here on the East coast. Like a real honest-to-goodness hurricane. There was lots of scary stuff going on. It makes you realize just what you take for granted. Like, for instance. Showering. Showering is awesome. Especially when it is done in the comfort of your own home. Otherwise you have to shower in the shady gym at work, which is much less fun. Trust me. I know. And don’t even get me started about hand-washing. Which is challenging when you don’t have water. And you know how much I love hand-washing.
And then there’s electricity. Judging from the fact that even though I know I don’t have power and I still keep trying to flip the switches on, I take it for granted. Also, it’s damn hard to see by flashlight.
But, our house is ok, my friends and family are fine, and as soon as the power comes back on, it will all be in the past. I know some other folks aren’t as fortunate, so if I have to be a little chilly, lonely and wrinkled for the next few days, who really cares.
So stop taking stuff for granted. Say what you’ve been meaning to say, do what you’ve been meaning to do. Call who you’ve been meaning to call for forever. Heck, poke someone on Facebook if that’s all you have time for. And take a long hot shower the next chance you get. Just don’t take it for granted. Don’t forget, some folks never ever get to do that. So enjoy it.
Yep. That’s right, I’m going to tell you how to be awesome. Bet you didn’t know this blog was educational as well as entertaining. But don’t tell anyone else because we can’t have too many awesome people walking around. Ok, ok, ok. You can tell one or two people if you really want to, but that’s it!
Step 1: Google (or use any other search engine of choice) “How to be awesome”. I’m serious. There’s lots of other advice out there and some sites even give you easy to follow steps. Kind of like this. And yes, I was curious and Googled this.
Step 2: Ignore what you just Googled, because most of it is probably absolutely, 100% ridiculous. “Be funny” “Be popular” Be nice” “Be interesting”. DOH! (Insert facepalm here) So THAT’S what I’ve been doing wrong?!?!?
Now, stop following the above steps and do this instead. Accept that you can’t be all awesome to everyone, all the time. It would just be too exhausting. You will have your moments of un-awesomeness. And some people might never think you’re awesome. And it’s totally ok. And trying to be awesome doesn’t work. There’s nothing worse than “fake” awesome. Think of the opposite of awesome and then throw Lady GaGa’s meat dress on it after its been sitting in the sun for a week and that’s how bad I think “fake” awesome is.
But wait-it’s really not all bad news. Get this, being awesome is easy. Be yourself. Sounds too simple, right? But it makes so much sense. Someone, and maybe even lots of someones, are going to think you’re awesome for being you. And I’m pretty sure that’s the sort of people you’d actually want to think you’re awesome. Right?
I know I do.
Granted, what prompted this “blog of awesomeness” is the fact that I actually did not think I felt awesome today. Nope. Not one bit. I felt pretty damn un-awesome, actually. And for absolutely no reason. I just didn’t sleep well and that makes everything, including me, less awesome. But it happens sometimes, and that’s ok. It will make being awesome tomorrow that much better.
Ok, so let me get situated here. First of all, this is officially my first blog post. I know, I know, there’s some other posts already here but technically they were pulled from my Facebook page, when I wasn’t “officially” blogging. So bear with me as I figure this thing out. Seems easy enough.
Alright, I’m ready to get started now. So let me set the scene for you. It’s sometime in the middle of the afternoon and I’ve had about 5 eco-friendly reusable plastic cups full of H2O since 8:00 a.m. Plus some coffee. And a tall soy chai (mmmmmmm Starbucks). So I’ve been back and forth to the ladies room about 10 times already today and I’m off for another trip. So on my round-trip back to my desk I stop for the 10th time to wash my hands. It so happens that there is another woman from the other side of the floor getting ready to do the same.
All of a sudden, I’ve been entered into a head-to-head handwashing competition. You know how it starts- you want to put on a good show that you do indeed wash your hands well and thoroughly each trip to the bathroom. And so does she.
So you use some extra soap, and really lather your hands.
She raises the bar by adjusting the temperature just a little warmer.
So you really make sure to soap each finger.
She pulls out the wildcard and rinses, then soaps again.
So you aggressively rub the soap into your hands so it makes soapy noises. Loud soapy noises that she can hear over the sounds of two faucets and her own vigorous hand scrubbing.
And she takes her rings off to really get her hands clean.
So you rinse, and rinse, and rinse, and then inspect your hands to make sure they are clean.
Then you dry them really, really well, with like 5 paper towels.
She turns the water off after you’ve dried your hands and smugly dries hers. Or you assume smugly because the most important rule is that you never EVER make eye contact during the competition.
You fix a stray strand of hair and wipe off a teensy bit of eyeliner with a finger while she finishes drying her hands and pats her hair into place as well. And as she conscientiously uses her paper towel to open the door to leave you soap your hands once more and turn the water on full blast, since you touched your face and all.
SWEET VICTORY IS MINE! MWAHAHAHA. I can imagine her defeat as she can’t very well turn around and start washing again.
Yeah, so, you know you’ve been there. Admit it. And the moral of this story is, don’t challenge me to a handwashing competition. Because I’ve been known to play dirty. See what I did there?
I think I’m going to like blogging. Yep…I think I’m going to like it a lot.
Dear “Glee”: I am done with you and your absolutely ridiculous plot lines and even worse overdramatic theater emo-pop. Were you ever actually good or was I just enamored by the fact that a glee club was being featured as a TV show? I mean, who can forget Kurt’s rendition of “Single Ladies”? Pure entertainment! And yet now, where do I begin? Oh, that’s right, I stopped caring 5 minutes ago. And FYI, having commercials every 3 seconds to cover up the fact that you have no plot does not work. In fact, it irritated me so much I turned it off. That’s right, I, who sat, tormented and tortured through all of “Waterworld” hoping at some point it would either make sense, or perhaps get better, could not sit through the full hour of your show. Oh, wait, make that 23 minutes since the rest was all commercials. And take away 7 minutes for the amount of time the tortured looks the characters gave each other took. Then 3 minutes for the sappy, “I’m alone, but singing to you exactly at the same time and in harmony even though we’re miles away” scenes. And take away 2 minutes for the obligatory “I’m walking down the hall singing but no one sees or hears me” scenes. So where are we? 11 minutes? Yeah, that’s probably just about what I missed turning it off halfway through. 11 minutes of my life that I am now able to enjoy instead. Goodbye Glee, we are never ever ever getting back together. Like, ever.
As my birthday weekend comes to an end and its back to work tomorrow, I’d like to share 10 observations I’ve gathered over the weekend.
1. It is possible to have a birthday without a single person singing you the Happy Birthday song and totally not miss it at all. Although I kind of miss not having any candles to blow out.
2. Cookie recipes do not account for the amount of cookie dough that you eat before it is baked. I think they should subtract a few from the final count when they tell you how many a recipe makes.
3. Whole Foods is awesome and I completely made a fool of myself running around pointing at things and picking food up to admire it. Oh, and I don’t care.
4. People should get outside more often. I think they would be happier.
5. Winter is coming.
6. Time goes by too quickly, except when I’m waiting for something.
7. People should be more kind to each other than they often are.
8. Cats can see into your soul. Or maybe not, but when they stare, its creepy.
9. Do not sit in a room with a cat who is staring when you are home alone. Its extra creepy.
10. Gummy vitamins rock.
So folks who get me understand I wouldn’t typically go for the “deep thoughts” type of quotes and posts that don’t contain a fairly considerable amount of snark, sarcasm and of course, humor. Yes, I’m the person in the greeting card aisle at Target who needs to read ALL of the cards to find the one that portrays a particular sentiment without being too sappy or out of the realm of something I would say to you on any given day. So wait your turn, if I’m paying $4 for a card, I’m getting the one that says truly, it came from me, and I totally could have written it if I dedicated the time it took me to find the perfect card someone else wrote to actually writing something myself. See? Sarcasm. Told you.
So, likewise I generally come across the sea of quotes and sayings people post on Facebook and scroll on by with an eye roll or two. (SORRY!) Every now and then though, one catches me at the right moment, or maybe my sarcasm meter is a little on the low side and my guard is down. It doesn’t pass my notice that with all the “My summer was so much more awesome than yours” and “hey look at this cute thing my kid just did” pictures (I am SOOOO guilty of this, by the way, judgment free zone here, k?) and so and so is playing this fictional game and wants you to give them a fictional something or other to win this fictional war, there are some people who truly are reaching out for support, or to share, or are just…searching for something. So I thought I would swallow my snark for a second and post a quote that I came across a little while ago that happened to hit me at just such a moment. So hopefully this reaches somebody who needs it. And if not, hey, at least its not another picture of my kid, right??“Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.”